Hello, I’m the University of Maine: A Long Rant (my words not theirs)
First, let me start by telling you about our institution. We have charming class sizes, and have the best food around (yummy cafeteria food that no one wants to eat!!). We’re a sustainable, green school that cares so much about the environment!! We have the Climate Change Institute dedicated to learning about Earth’s climate and ecosystem, super gnarly!
Also, we care sooo much for the environment that we recycle (ooooh~ aaaaahhhh~) but we don’t do compost and we bring in all of our food from outside companies even though we’re an agricultural college and could totally do it all ourselves.. so good luck wanting fresh food. We care sooo much that we’re even getting rid of our trays in the dining places! Do you know how much is wasted washing those yucky things?
In addition we’ll be CUTTING DOWN AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MAINE FOREST with all those pesky critters and that awful ecosystem. That’s how green we are! I mean, we know that that is the whole draw to this school, and we’re an environmental college, but at least we’ll save money—- I MEAN HELP THE ENVIRONMENT BY TAKING YOUR FOOD TRAYS :D
Ooh! Let’s talk about budget!!!
Well, we’ll charge you up the wazoo for EVERYTHING. I’m sorry, would you like tissues? well, you gotta pay extra for those and you can’t use dining funds to get them even though they’re in one of the food markets. But that’s okay,you can spend thousands upon thousands on tuition to make you feel better!!! We’re even having a budget problem (hey wanna lend us some moola?). We don’t know how we ended up $9-$12 MILLION IN DEBT, money is such a pesky thing ;)
I mean, we’re having SUCH A PROBLEM WITH OUR MONEY (DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO ATTEND HERE) THAT WE’RE BUILDING AN OBSERVATORY FOR A FIELD THAT WE DO NOT CURRENTLY OFFER AS A MAJOR OR MINOR!!!! And remember those pesky trees that we’re cutting down to save the environment?We’re gonna build SORORITY ROW AND APARTMENT COMPLEXES!!!!(we’re super excited!!). That won’t be too expensive, right?
Never mind that WE KICKED ALL UPPERCLASSMEN OFF CAMPUS TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES SO WE CAN ACCEPT AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE (what is the word no anyway? a loss of money if you ask us). And the Fraternities? well… some of them are KNOWN RAPE SPOTS and REPEATEDLY BREAK THE LAW but I mean, we don’t really care about your safety and the sororities should really get new facilities. We can kick all upperclassmen out, but make room for sororities in buildings that are already present? noooo. We gotta destroy an entire ecosystem instead because we’re so poor that WE CAN’T EVEN FIX THE WALKWAYS TO ENSURE THAT ALL STUDENTS CAN GET TO CLASS SAFELY.
Unfortunately, because of our budget problems, we’re going to have to LET AT LEAST 60 PROFESSORS GO AND INCREASE CLASS SIZES TO OVERWHELM THOSE THAT WE DEEM WORTHY ENOUGH TO STAY (We tried the charmingly small class sizes to ensure a good education, but we all have to make sacrifices. At least we’ll get to spend that money we don’t have on million dollar projects!)
Yes, we are a green, safety-conscious, and money saving school. Why don’t you come give us your money— I mean get your valued education here!!!
I didn’t read the book
but my roommate did
So I went to check the campus dining menus
all seems pretty standard
Weekly menu, okay I can dig it (except not really cause they just cycle it biweekly so it’s the same food every other week with a 0.0001% variability)
wait a minute. What’s this?
Apparently weeks are now months, who knew.
At UMaine We have something called a Mill Day
It occurs every so often in which the students step out onto campus and say “Oh. It’s going to be a mill day”
A mill day refers to the putrid odor that infiltrates the campus from the paper mill nearby as the fumes are swept through the area like a deathly fog of rancid stink that honestly smells like something died in a manure filled compost bin full of rotten broccoli and cabbage that suffocates you as soon as you leave the safety of a building.
On a mill day you don’t have to shower. You don’t have to wear deodorant. You can wear your gym shorts that you’ve worn to the past three workouts but are too lazy to wash because honestly no one’s going to be able to smell you over the god awful stench in the air.
And let’s not forget that Maine has the highest rate of death from Mesothelioma(caused by asbestos and fumes such as that of a paper mill) per capita in the United States.
I wonder why UMaine is the 9th most miserable school in the United States.